I can’t bear to watch!

Everybody does it.

Everybody knows that everybody does it.

It’s part of being human.

We don’t talk about it though.

At least, not in polite company.

But when we are with our friends and there is beer involved, then, the truth comes out….

…

…we all dance in the bathroom!

If you just got this mental image of ball gowns, feather boas, rhinestones and bugle beads, that would be bathroom of the drag queen who lives across the courtyard from me.  She is a special case, as is her bathroom.   Nope–I’m talking about the rest us, with garden variety “basic” “average” bathrooms.  Although I must confess that my bathroom not quite “basic” nor  “average” as it is tastefully decorated with a lovely “cats and  books” theme done in browns, reds and rich wood tones.

Ahem.  But I digress.  😉

Back to dancing in the bathroom.

What I’m talking about is the kind of dance we all do when we are alone in the bathroom,  in all our nakedness.  After the shower, after we towel dry, the moment comes to …

…step onto the scale!

There we stand.

We look down and the number gyrates wildly until our weight stabilizes.  There it is.  The number.  Staring back up at us!   Friends and neighbors, for many of us, that number is not a pleasant one, so  we shift our weight eeeeeeeeeeeeeever so slightly.

Aaaaahhhh, that’s better!   But the number is now wavering back and forth between two numbers so we shift again.  Hmmm the number is now even lower!  Eureka!!!!!!!  

…and the dance begins as we wiggle and shift and gyrate and raise one arm or the other or scooch jusssssssstttttt a little bit to the left or to the front or to the back.

Dancers call this process “finding your center,” as in your “center of gravity,”  finding that point at which everything is stable.

I truly hope that no one ever secretly films their significant other doing the “bathroom scale dance” and puts that video on YouTube.  No jury in the country would convict the poor affronted soul when they take justice into their own hands.  I’m just sayin’.

But I digress…  🙂

So, there you are, in the bathroom, wiggling  on the scale in search of the lowest possible number…    I say unto you:

Dance my friend!  Dance!!!!!!   Dance away!  Dance for Joy!  Dance until the number is where you want it to be!

But like any fun activity someone will eventually take it too far.

Therefore, in the interest of bringing some degree of sanity to the madness, trying to prevent reckless hordes of my readers from wildly throwing their naked bodies about on scales all across the globe, and to avoid any potential lawsuits,  I offer the following information:

Safety Guide to Bathroom Dancing

(1) Lock the bathroom door.  This preserves domestic tranquility, avoids scaring the cat, and prevents videos of your bathroom dance from appearing on YouTube.

(2) Both feet must remain in contact with the scale.

Standing on the scale on one leg can produce a catastrophic ending to your dance routine, whereby paramedics are called to separate the bathroom plunger from the orifice closest to your center of gravity where it can easily become lodged as you lose your balance and fall upon the aforementioned plunger and it…

Dare I say?,

“…plunges where no plunger has plunged before!” 

Then you’ll be a huge internet sensation as millions watch the clip of the local news caster bursting into uncontrollable gales of laughter as he describes, in detail, your poor miserable tale of woe, which all started with a wiggle on the scale.   A naked wiggle on the scale.

(By the way, somebody should really email this post to George Takei, he’ll get a kick out of how someone managed to talk about Star Trek and drag queens in the same post.  grin  Sounds like the start of a bad joke…  “A guy from Texas, and a drag queen walk into a bathroom…”)

But I digress…  😉

So, play it safe.  Keep both feet on the scale until the numbers come to a complete and total stop–unless you are seeking your 15 minutes of fame and don’t care if plungers are required to achieve it.

(3) Shifting your “center” too far in any direction may cause the scale to tip over, causing you to fall and, again, begin an intimate relationship with various bathroom implements, a relationship, which I’m sure, you’d rather not have.

A safe range of shifting should produce no more than a 2 to 2.5 lb fluctuation in the number on the scale.

(4) Experts in bathroom dancing are evenly split as to whether it is permissible to place a single finger against a nearby wall to stabilize your  “center” as you dance around on the scale.

Since the jury is out, I say “go for it!”  I do! 

However, I recommend using only a single finger.  Using two fingers is excessive and using a whole hand well, that’s just kinky.

It is up to you to decide which finger to use as the “stabilizer” for your bathroom dance.  Since I am a well grounded cowboy and not prone to flights of fancy, I recommend using the index finger which provides a simple utilitarian approach.

The genteel among you may opt for the pinky finger but depending on the quantity of poundage you’re attempting to stabilize this may result in injury and a visit to the closest emergency care center.  On the bright side, if you’ve been there recently, because of your previous relationship with the plunger, it will be like visiting old friends.  It is up to you.

You could of course use the thumb.  However, it juts out at an awkward angle and you could be mistaken for a hitchhiker, though why you’re trying to hitch a ride while naked in your bathroom is beyond me.  You’d probably be more successful in attracting the attention of potential rides if you were naked on the side of the highway.  Rides with blue and red lights on top.

But I digress…  😉

Use of the ring finger is also not advised–it simply does not have the strength and functionality of the index finger.

Use of the middle finger is, of course, possible, but is considered rude.

(5) Music is optional, but not recommended.    It is far better to simply wiggle to the beat of your own internal, and blissfully silent, drummer.
..

So there you have it dear readers, your safety guide to doing the “bathroom scale dance.”

But wait!  Do I hear an objection from the back shouting “Isn’t the bathroom dance” CHEATING!?

Well, darlin’, of COURSE it is cheating!

Duh!

But it doesn’t matter!  As long as you wiggle the same way every day then the number has valid relative, comparative, merit.

So cheat away!  Wiggle and dance, but wiggle and dance in a consistent manner.  Why, I ask, should we deny our basic human natures, when every fiber in our being screams out to us…

CHEAT!

Wiggle!

and of course…

Dance!  🙂

See ya on the dance floor!

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