I am NOT in a good place right now

I’m almost tempted to not even continue this post but since I’ve started I might as well lay it out.  And it ain’t gonna be “pretty.”

For weeks now I’ve been alternating between depression and anger…  Are they related?  Sorry, stray thought

…I’m pissed.  Pissed at myself for allowing my weight to pile back on and depressed that I’m “here again” and I’m worried about making ends meet and worried about what could happen if I catch Covid… and… and…

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!

Back in late Feb / early March I was at 265 lbs! Halfway to my stated goal of 195 lbs.  70 lbs gone / 70 lbs to go and 2020 looked like it was going to be a FRIGGIN AWESOME YEAR…

Now I sit here at my desk and I’m trying to “restart” which means playing a hugely complicated numbers game.  Stay with me here…

• IF I’m going to loose weight, experience has shown me that I have to count calories
• which means… I need to know how many calories I should consume per day to loose the weight / lower body fat
• which means… digging into a confusing mass of online calculators and information about body weight and trying to figure out what is “normal”SCREW NORMAL!  I ain’t normal!!!!  ONE TIME and one time ONLY did I weigh what the friggin’ charts SAY I should weigh in pounds.  I was 165lbs with a 10% body fat and I was the fittest and healthiest I had ever been.
  

  Fit me – Cycling

  AND PEOPLE WERE ASKING ME IF I WERE SICK!

  — Given it was the height of the AIDS epidemic and friends of mine were dropping like flies and I worked, at the time, in a gay bar so anyone who was “suddenly skinny” was assumed to be sick and dying.

  But I wasn’t, I was logging hundreds of miles a week on my bicycle and during the summer cycling season, attending weekend group rides finishing up that season with a 100 mile ride at a HUGE event called the “Hotter Than Hell 100”

  And truthfully, looking back on that time, I was very skinny at that point.  But that was QUITE a few years ago; getting to that 165 weight with a 12 % body fat is so unlikely that I might as well wish for a magic genie to appear and grant me three wishes.  SIGH
  

• so…  I know that in spite of what the “height / weight charts” say, I should NOT aim for 150-165 lbs.  I should aim for 190-200 lbs and a 12-14% body fat.
• which brings me back to those damned numbers — I did mention how pissed I am right now, right, and depressed, and TIRED.  Pick which 30 seconds we’re talking about and I’ll tell you what I’m feeling.Experience has shown me that I need constant feedback to achieve fitness goals.  And experience has shown me it never lasts.  Hang on…slapping myself back into looking forward instead of moaning and groaning “woe is me”  **SLAP**I MUST get in better shape. MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.  My quality of life depends on it.  My DANCING depends on it!
• THEREFORE… IF I’m going to get fitter,
  • I have to get on the scale every day.
  • I have to take my blood glucose test every day.
  • I have to take my daily diabetic meds and my blood pressure meds every day.
  • I have to take my daily vitamin supplements.
  • I have to take my daily fiber supplement.
  • I have stretch every day.
  • I have to count calories and track everything I eat.
  • I have to lift weights three times a week to build muscle mass
  • I have to increase my aerobic activity so that I am burning more calories than I consume – enough to trigger the consumption of my stored energy (fat) reserves.

It really is that simple

That list up above is it.  Saying it is simple.  Doing it ain’t

Doing it again makes me feel overwhelmed; makes me feel like I’m trying to lift this huge burden of mythological scale. Kinda like Atlas, the Titan who held up the celestial sphere.

The world being “on fire” doesn’t help!

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a Global – Friggin – Pandemic going on right now!

And I’m in a “high risk” group: I’m 58. I’m fat, technically the term is “medically obese” but fat is fat. I have high blood pressure (controlled with meds). I have Type 2 Diabetes (controlled with meds).

In March my “dance biz” pretty much vanished.

The whole dance competition season basically has been cancelled for 2020 and the scuttlebutt says that we won’t have any competitions until early Summer of 2021, if then.

On top (underlying everything?…)  My unemployment benefits expired on 11/28/2020 and Congress hasn’t voted on the new relief bill, and when they do, goodness knows how long it will take Texas to get the money and then distribute it….. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!  Yeah, I’m a bit stressed.

Want to help?

Yes, I’m feeling guilty about asking…
…yet another loop on that emotional coaster!

• Buy me something I need from my Amazon Wish List
  • There are lots of things to choose from, some cheap, some not so cheap, all of them needed, not wanted…needed..  Choose whatever you like.
• Make a donation directly to me via PayPal
  • I pre-filled the link with $20 suggested amount but you can type in whatever amount you like.

The worst part is I’ve been here before

Yes, there was this little thing called a “Global Friggin Pandemic” that was kinda unusual this year, but really?

Seriously?

I’ve been here before, in this place where I’m trying to “get things moving again” and I’m so tired. The thought of doing all that is about to come in order to get where I’m going…

I’m exhausted and I’ve not even really started in earnest.  And I keep flipping between resolved, pissed, anger, determination, resolved…

I think you get it.

I literally just sighed.  Really. I did.  I just let loose with this huge tired exhausted, depressed, I’ve got to lift the friggin burden AGAIN sigh.

OK, so we start, continue, proceed… one more time.

Now if I can only figure out those calories…