Once upon a time, I used to have a 28″ waist. Of course that was waaaaaaaay back in my high school days. Now my waistline is considerably larger than 28″ inches. In fact I refuse to divulge it until I’ve lost a few of those inches! So there!

But since we’re talking about waist lines, it is not widely known, but there are actually three waist lines on a man who is out of shape…

Waistline No. 1 — Pants size

This is the waist size of the pants which a man wears. However, as anyone who has ever bought pants for their husband, boyfriend or significant other knows, the inches listed on the label bear no relation to what the man’s actual waist size may be, especially if he has *ahem* a “well rounded figure.”

Indeed if he suffers from Dunlap’s Disease, where his belly dun lapped over his pants, the pants size may be significantly smaller than his actual waist.

Waistline No. 2 — The Lovehandles

The point where this measurement should be taken is very easy to find on a man who is out of shape: it is the widest point of the abdomen area and is affectionately called the “lovehandles.” For a man who is in shape, this line is either right at, or somewhere slightly below, the belly button and it is the point at which a tailor will try to measure when determining pants size (see preceding note). According to the dictionary, this is called the waistline.

Fashion and the Migrating Waistline

The changing tides of fashion, however, sometimes dictate that this line move north or south much like ladies’ hemlines.

I, however, refuse to believe that the top of a pair of pants should reside lower than the top of one’s underwear. This loose style of clothing leads to an embarrassing condition often mistaken by the wearer of the garment as being “cool.” Followers of this fashion trend even have a name: “saggers”. A moment of silence please for these mis-guided individuals.

The so called “pants,” which the saggers wear, which could be subdivided and sublet to the indigent, creep ever lower and lower. This forces the inhabitant of this tent *ahem*, pardon me, this pair of pants to be forever pulling them back into position. It is very amusing to watch the ambulatory progress of a troop of these “stylin’ dudes”… Kinda goes like this: Step, step, strut, YANK, step, step YANK, YANK HARDER, step, strut big-time, (look around to see if anyone is noticing them being cool), then step, shoulder shrug, strut, step, YANK. Well you get the idea. And to be honest, I’m sure my Mom thought similar things about the TIGHT, VERY TIGHT pants folks my age wore in high school. Ah, fickle fashion, thy demanding mistress. I’ve got to know… has anyone but me ever been possessed by the almost overwhelming urge to run over and give these guys a wedgie that they would never forget? One last comment on fashion before returning to the topic at hand: I still think that parachute pants looked cool.  And that someday, they will come back in style!

Waistline No. 3 — The Beltline

Most of the men in the United States do not wear their pants at their waistline. If they tried, they would not be able to button the pants closed. The pants size they, or their spouse, or their boyfriend, buys for them, is several inches smaller than their actual waist (see preceding discussion). The location where they actually button or belt their pants is what I call the beltline. This is generally close in measurement to the pants size since this is the line where most men actually wear their pants, however the two are not always identical as many men continue to insist on purchasing pants several inches smaller, and tighter vainly hoping that either they will loose the weight or somehow that no one will notice that they are overflowing their pants and that the waist of the pants is about to be ripped or permanently deformed. These gentleman are very easy to spot because they often are using their belt as a kind of girdle to keep everything in place and to avoid the pants falling down around their ankles and being ticketed for indecent exposure. 😉

In a fit man, the three measurements of which I’ve spoken are either identical, or all within an inch of one another.

 See ya on the dance floor!