The goal of losing weight feels heavier than the weight
I am NOT in a good place right now
I’m almost tempted to not even continue this post but since I’ve started I might as well lay it out. And it ain’t gonna be “pretty.”
For weeks now I’ve been alternating between depression and anger… Are they related? Sorry, stray thought
…I’m pissed. Pissed at myself for allowing my weight to pile back on and depressed that I’m “here again” and I’m worried about making ends meet and worried about what could happen if I catch Covid… and… and…
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!
Back in late Feb / early March I was at 265 lbs! Halfway to my stated goal of 195 lbs. 70 lbs gone / 70 lbs to go and 2020 looked like it was going to be a FRIGGIN AWESOME YEAR…
Now I sit here at my desk and I’m trying to “restart” which means playing a hugely complicated numbers game. Stay with me here…
- IF I’m going to loose weight, experience has shown me that I have to count calories
- which means… I need to know how many calories I should consume per day to loose the weight / lower body fat
- which means… digging into a confusing mass of online calculators and information about body weight and trying to figure out what is “normal”SCREW NORMAL! I ain’t normal!!!! ONE TIME and one time ONLY did I weigh what the friggin’ charts SAY I should weigh in pounds. I was 165lbs with a 10% body fat and I was the fittest and healthiest I had ever been.
Fit me – Cycling
AND PEOPLE WERE ASKING ME IF I WERE SICK!
— Given it was the height of the AIDS epidemic and friends of mine were dropping like flies and I worked, at the time, in a gay bar so anyone who was “suddenly skinny” was assumed to be sick and dying.
But I wasn’t, I was logging hundreds of miles a week on my bicycle and during the summer cycling season, attending weekend group rides finishing up that season with a 100 mile ride at a HUGE event called the “Hotter Than Hell 100”
And truthfully, looking back on that time, I was very skinny at that point. But that was QUITE a few years ago; getting to that 165 weight with a 12 % body fat is so unlikely that I might as well wish for a magic genie to appear and grant me three wishes. SIGH
- so… I know that in spite of what the “height / weight charts” say, I should NOT aim for 150-165 lbs. I should aim for 190-200 lbs and a 12-14% body fat.
- which brings me back to those damned numbers — I did mention how pissed I am right now, right, and depressed, and TIRED. Pick which 30 seconds we’re talking about and I’ll tell you what I’m feeling.Experience has shown me that I need constant feedback to achieve fitness goals. And experience has shown me it never lasts. Hang on…slapping myself back into looking forward instead of moaning and groaning “woe is me” **SLAP**I MUST get in better shape. MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. My quality of life depends on it. My DANCING depends on it!
- THEREFORE… IF I’m going to get fitter,
- I have to get on the scale every day.
- I have to take my blood glucose test every day.
- I have to take my daily diabetic meds and my blood pressure meds every day.
- I have to take my daily vitamin supplements.
- I have to take my daily fiber supplement.
- I have stretch every day.
- I have to count calories and track everything I eat.
- I have to lift weights three times a week to build muscle mass
- I have to increase my aerobic activity so that I am burning more calories than I consume – enough to trigger the consumption of my stored energy (fat) reserves.
It really is that simple
That list up above is it. Saying it is simple. Doing it ain’t
Doing it again makes me feel overwhelmed; makes me feel like I’m trying to lift this huge burden of mythological scale. Kinda like Atlas, the Titan who held up the celestial sphere.
The world being “on fire” doesn’t help!
I
n case you haven’t noticed, there’s a Global – Friggin – Pandemic going on right now!
And I’m in a “high risk” group: I’m 58. I’m fat, technically the term is “medically obese” but fat is fat. I have high blood pressure (controlled with meds). I have Type 2 Diabetes (controlled with meds).
In March my “dance biz” pretty much vanished.
The whole dance competition season basically has been cancelled for 2020 and the scuttlebutt says that we won’t have any competitions until early Summer of 2021, if then.
On top (underlying everything?…) My unemployment benefits expired on 11/28/2020 and Congress hasn’t voted on the new relief bill, and when they do, goodness knows how long it will take Texas to get the money and then distribute it….. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!! Yeah, I’m a bit stressed.
Want to help?
Yes, I’m feeling guilty about asking…
…yet another loop on that emotional coaster!
- Buy me something I need from my Amazon Wish List
- There are lots of things to choose from, some cheap, some not so cheap, all of them needed, not wanted…needed.. Choose whatever you like.
- Make a donation directly to me via PayPal
- I pre-filled the link with $20 suggested amount but you can type in whatever amount you like.
The worst part is I’ve been here before
Yes, there was this little thing called a “Global Friggin Pandemic” that was kinda unusual this year, but really?
Seriously?
I’ve been here before, in this place where I’m trying to “get things moving again” and I’m so tired. The thought of doing all that is about to come in order to get where I’m going…
I’m exhausted and I’ve not even really started in earnest. And I keep flipping between resolved, pissed, anger, determination, resolved…
I think you get it.
I literally just sighed. Really. I did. I just let loose with this huge tired exhausted, depressed, I’ve got to lift the friggin burden AGAIN sigh.
OK, so we start, continue, proceed… one more time.
Now if I can only figure out those calories…
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Getting fit is like watching a Glacier Melt…
Stay with me…the metaphor makes sense!
If you’ve not been hiding under a rock, then you’re aware that scientists are concerned about the high number of melting glaciers. When you’re standing next to one, you think it isn’t changing that much, but when you video over time and then speed it up…BAM, it becomes obvious that it is changing and shrinking!
Think of when you dump some ice into your sink. If you stand there and watch it…nothing much seems to be happening, but if you go away and come back in an hour, then the ice is either completely gone or mostly gone.
Getting fit, healthy, and in better shape is a lot like that. Seeing the day to day changes is a lot like watching an ice cube melt. It is hard to see, but if you keep at it, keep doing a little bit at a time and take teeny tiny steps, eventually you’ll see progress. Eventually you’ll see the fat shrink away, kinda like those melting glaciers.
My “Results” for last week / My “Goals” for this week:
Here were my very modest goals for last week:
Do the morning numbers at least 5 days – seven would be better
— I did. Exactly 5. I missed two days.- Goal for this week: do all morning measurements for all 7 days!
- Goal for this week: do all morning measurements for all 7 days!
- Take my daily meds both am & pm all seven days
— I missed 2 pm doses and 1 am does- Goal for this week: do ALL AM & PM does – no misses. This a big deal because I’m a diabetic and I have high blood pressure!
- Lift 3 days
— Yeah right! Didn’t do a single day. Ugh.- Goal for this week: Lift for 3 days
- Goal for this week: Lift for 3 days
- Move 2 days
— YAY!!!! I actually met my goal and more. I “moved” FOUR DAYS!!!- Goal for this week: Move 3 days
- Goal for this week: Move 3 days
- Stretch 6 days
— Uhmmm…. failed horribly on this one… only ONE day did I do any stretching- Goal for this week: Stretch 6 days
- Goal for this week: Stretch 6 days
- Use Slim-Fast for breakfast & lunch at least 5 days – seven would be better.
— I did this, I think, kinda, sorta, mostly, more than not…I started off tracking this and then stopped, but my somewhat faulty memory of the week tells me that even if I didn’t do this exactly as planned, I did it MOST of the time!- Goal for this week: Use Slim-Fast for breakfast & lunch at least 5 days
It’s always going to be a mixed bag
That last goal up above pretty much sums things up. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that. Life gets complicated very fast and plans go astray. But as long as you’re doing SOMETHING, you will make progress.
Glaciers are built up one snow flake at a time. They melt one drop of water at a time.
Getting fit is like that, it requires dedication and quite a bit of patience.
Now for the numbers:
I started my newest “fitness effort” about two weeks ago when I got on the scale and freaked out at how much I had gained during the Pandemic.
I started recording my weight on Nov 28th — on that date my numbers were:
- Weight 299.8 lbs
- Body Fat: 42.65%
- Muscle: 25%
- Visceral Fat: 30%
Now, as of yesterday, Dec 7th, my numbers are:
- Weight 292 lbs — Loss of 7.8 lbs
- Body Fat: 42.25% — Loss of .4 %
- Muscle: 23.6% — Loss of 1.4% — Not good! I need to loose Fat, not muscle
- Visceral Fat: 30% — same. No change
See ya on the dance floor! 🙂
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I just updated my review of “Dollar Shave Club”
Short version of the review:
…It is worth it!
…I have used it for years!
…I like it!
…I recommend it!
Read the full review at: https://wp.me/pSBrW-2SW
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Quick update…
Holy Tilt-a-scale Batman!
I weighed in for the first time this morning. And the number is NOT good.
I know from past experience that for me to stay on track I have to weigh in daily. Twice a day actually and average the two sets of numbers.
I haven’t “tracked” my fitness numbers in quite some time:
- Morning Blood Glucose Level
- Morning Blood Pressure Level and Heart Rate
- Weight
- Body Fat, Muscle Fat, Visceral Fat
Last week, last post, I “guesstimated” my weight and boy was I off. During Covid Shutdown/Slowdown, from March 1st to now, I’ve gained almost THIRTY FRIGGING POUNDS!
No wonder going up and down stairs seems harder…because it IS harder!
Looking on the bright side…
I’ve started. Bit by bit I’m RE-starting all the things that I used to do when I was loosing weight.
Also, way back in 2012 when I lost my job, was stuck at home and eventually ballooned up to 335 lbs, I was in HORRIBLE shape from a fitness standpoint. Comparing my “mental memory” of my “muscle memory” I’m moving better now than I did then even though my weight has shot up.
Another way to say it is that even though my weight has shot up since March, my fitness level has not dropped into the sub-basement. I still have some of the fitness gains that I worked so hard to make.
So, bit by bit, I’m throwing another sandbag on the dike.
How I did last week & Plans for this week…
I didn’t do all the “exercising” that I had planned last week, but I did do MORE exercise last week than I did the week before which was pretty much ZERO! Not to hard to do more than zero!
So, this week (week #2), I plan on actually meeting my very LOW level goals.
- Do the morning numbers at least 5 days – seven would be better
- Take my daily meds both am & pm all seven days
- Lift 3 days
- Move 2 days
- Stretch 6 days
- Use Slim-Fast for breakfast & lunch at least 5 days – seven would be better.
Wish me luck — scratch that! Wish me success!
Want to help?
During this pandemic, my dance business has been drastically affected. And the unemployment benefits I’ve been getting are about to expire in two weeks. So if you want to lend a hand to help me meet my fitness goals here is how:
- Make a donation via PayPal – any amount will help
or
- Purchase something I need from my Amazon “Wish List”
See ya on the dance floor!
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Small steps to start? LOL! We’re talking MICRO-Steps!
I’m starting… …again.
I’m not going to lie, I’m not “into this” or “excited” about working out. I’m depressed. I’m pissed off at myself for letting my body get out of shape and gaining back 20 lbs of the 70 lbs that I had lost.
Back in March when Covid-19 hit and the whole country shut down I was at my half-way point: 70 lbs gone / 70 lbs left to loose.
Now that number is 50 lbs lost / 90 lbs left to loose.
Now, just walking to the kitchen to get coffee feels like I’m working out. SIGH
But, the first dance competition of 2021 is in 107 days, in mid-March, and that is a little over three months, assuming that the Covid Pandemic is on the wane and the event is ACTUALLY HELD!
Which means that if I want to dance with my students in a weekend competition, then I have to get moving NOW! Because frankly if the event were this weekend instead of three and a half months from now, I would not be able to physically do it. No way, no how.
The sucky part of this is that getting OUT OF SHAPE is so frigging easy. That is what the body wants to do! Getting into shape and staying in shape is hard. Just doing that first teeny tiny step, then taking the next teeny tiny step…SIGH
But both mentally and physically I feel AWFUL right now. I want to feel better. So…today I will do some “easy wall pushups” I will do one lap of the “stairs” (I’ll explain what I mean by that in my next post) and I will do some stretching.
And it will be a start…again.
Heads up…
For those of you who are still on the mailing list, or see this on Facebook and/or Twitter etc, I am going to keep posts short, VERY SHORT. For the most part. LOL We’ll see how that plan works… I’m not known among my friends for my ability to “keep things short.” I do tend to ramble on… Tell the long tale… oh! Ooops! LOL
Wish me luck.
5-6-7-8 Dancing My Way to a Healthy Me! 