I friggin did it! I nearly had a heart attack but I did it!!!!
I said I’d do it…
“My first exercise is tomorrow morning (or whenever I wake up…) . . .I may only get half a block but by God and all that is holy, I am going to go that half block and back. “
And I DID IT!
Can we have an “Amen”?
Can I hear the sisters shout “Hallelujah”
Can I HEAR the brothers say “That’s right!
The applause may commence.
I – SAY-YAID – my brethern – Let the Ah pLAUSE commence!
I *WAS* going to do this awesome cool photo gallery in this spot… showing the photos I took on my walk… BUT…
Apple is INSISTING that I upgrade my iPhoto application and the download of the new software APPEARS TO BE STUCK!!!! and until that is done, well I can’t do squat with photos…
So I’ll save that for the post tomorrow. So watch for cool photos and narly narration tomorrow… ♪ ♫ Tomorrow… ♪ ♫ The sun’ll come out tomorrow... ♪ ♫ Daddy Warbucks I luv you!
Just so everyone knows what a big deal this is…!!!
What being horribly out of shape MEANS “in Tony’s World”
Fasten your seat belts, its gonna be a bumpy ride… Entertaining. Certainly. But bumpy . . .
For the moment, we are going to the ignore the “how I got here now”
We are going to focus on giving you, dear friends, most awesome readers, and the couple of cuzins twice removed who follow this blog, a real sense of the current status of my fitness / health
The short version is…
“It ain’t pretty folks!”
But to illustrate let me describe my trip to Walgreens, my UPS box, and Braums that I just finished.
We will start out by describing my condition at the moment I collapsed into the chair and started creating this post. . . which pretty much looking like I was about to have a heart attack.
I’m glad there were no nursing staff around they would have slapped me into a wheelchair rolled me over to a gurney and started CPR and with my luck it wouldn’t be the really CUTE guy fuzzy furry guy doing his internship doing the CPR thingie…
Nooooooooooo….. it would be my luck to be taken care of by Nurse HILDASHOT-ZA-nazer who lifts small luxury cars over head when she’s on her coffee break, just for fun.
Uhmmm where was I? SQUIRREL! Oh yes…
What I did simply stated:
- Gathered up the reusable tote bags, locked the door on the apartment
- Walked to my truck
- Drove to Walgreens
- Parked at the edge of the parking log because the place was packed
- Went inside, got a buggy and got 3 jugs of Arizona Ice Tea and 2 two-liter bottles of diet coke
- Checked out, carried the bags to my truck.
- Drove 1/2 block from Walgreens to the UPS store
- Parked, got out, got my mail, got back in the truck.
- Drove to Braums, parked
- Went in, got some grocery items (4 bags worth when I was through)
- Rolled the bags out in the buggy, put them in the truck, returned the buggy to inside the store.
- Drove home.
- Carried six bags from truck to bottom of stairs
- Carried two bags at a time up the stairs to my apartment
- Collapsed into my chair in front of my desk.
Sounds like nothing special right? Many of you probably did something very like it today. Or sometime this week.
Ordinary you say? I think NOT! SAY I! Let me elaborate…
What I did — The “Tony Version”
…in other words with drama applied in true Tony-Story-Telling-Style to help my dearest readers understand it better…
It must be pointed out that this “trip to go get some grocery items” was on the schedule of today’s events BUT I hadn’t really planned on doing it RIGHT AFTER FINISHING my “exercise” walk to the park thing…
BUT… I have nothing to drink other than water in the house. And I don’t want to HEAR from ANYONE about how much better drinking just water is for you and all that!!!!!! I just don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it right now. I don’t NEED to hear negative things right now.
In complete candor and seriousness and “NO DRAMA”
— right now, I really need to focus on the POSITIVE things that I’m doing. I am an intelligent kinda guy. I KNOW there are LOTS of things that I COULD and probably SHOULD be doing that would be “better” BUT DAMINT! I just started! And right now I don’ need to be TOLD stuff that I already know…
So give a brother a break and applaud me for what I’m doing right, not shooting holes in it!
Remember — I’m the guy who hasn’t taken depression meds in two months because hes’ been waiting on Blue Cross Blue Shield to get their crap together and who is suffering from ongoing bouts of severe depression who is in a GOOD phase at moment who is actually doing SOMETHING positive!
It is like mama always said, if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all. Pop quiz: If a friend came up to you and you noticed that (1) they had a food stain on the cuff of their shirt, (2) that they’ve gained 20lbs since the last time you’ve seen them and (3) that their hair looks really nice… WHICH FRIGGIN ONE SHOULD YOU MENTION???????
Oh.. where was I?
Ah… yes… the trip to the store
So, I wanted something cold and sweet to drink and there was nothing in the apartment. So I thought to myself… “I’ve got my shoes on… I’ve got my hat on… My keys, phone, and wallet are all right there within reach where I put them just five minutes ago when I got back from my walk”
hmmmmmm…. said I…. Groceries, I need, said I….. Braums, I should go,…. Yoda, channeling I am… Why?, ask myself, I do….
1. Gathered up the reusable tote bags, locked the door on the apartment
2. Walked to my truck
Of course my truck is not parked close by. It is down by the dumpster, quite a bit down the parking lot. And “walking to my truck” actually means navigating some disgustingly difficult stairs… (more on that in my post tomorrow re: my “walk in the park”)
3. Drove to Walgreens
4. Parked at the edge of the parking log because the place was packed
By the time I got from my truck to the door of Walgreens I knew that I was in trouble. After the walk to and from the park, I felt like I had exerted myself but I felt “good”
— probably because of all the warm fuzzies that were snuggling up against my brain stem; warm fuzzies which were born because I had done something good for myself!
But… by the time I had climbed down Mt Turtle Creek (other wise known as the stairs leading to my apartment)
and walked to the truck which was parked in outer Mongolia,
and drove to Walgreens and being force to park in outer Siberia,
and gotten to the door, having walked from outer Siberia, to the front door, which was thankfully fully automatic so I didn’t have to actually OPEN, the door,
all those warm fuzzies had died a horrible death, TRAMPLED, squished, and extinguished! by the messages that my legs, knees and lower back were sending me. Messages like:
“Just what the hell is going on up there? Are you NUTS!”
“ALERT ! ALERT ! ALERT! All hands on deck… Tony is moving! Tony is moving!”
“Captain, she jus canna take no more!”
“Captain Smith! this is engineering — That iceberg that we hit… left things a mess; we have flooding in the forepeak, compartments 2 through 5 are under stress and we’re listing to port!”
I could swear I heard the browser on my cell phone activate in my pocket without me touching it. I suspect that my knees and lower back had joined forces with my quads and they were logging onto Amazon.com to buy pitchforks and flaming torches for the revolution they were planning.
5. Went inside, got a buggy and got 3 jugs of Arizona Ice Tea and 2 two-liter bottles of diet coke
I normally just grab one of those little plastic tote things… but since I knew the store was crowded and that the drinks I was planning on getting were HEAVY and that there would probably be a line when I hit the check out… well I grabbed a buggy. Because I knew that without the buggy I would not have the strength to make it to the checkout counter.
No kidding. NO EXAGERATION… I would not, could not have made it.
Back to the buggy… Of course it has a wobbly squeaky wheel. I think that is a standard issue thing for shopping carts.
So I grabbed the drinks, put them in the buggy and headed to the check out. And there it was.. Evil. Lurking. Cackling its evil wicked laugh… it was a SALE display… three boxes of “movie style candy” 3 for $3.
I caved. I gave in. I was weak. Forgive me father for I am going to partake of the theater candy on several occasions over the next several days… *SIGH*
So I check out.
6. Checked out, carried the bags to my truck.
I’m moving very slowly at this point because I can feel the fatigue in my legs. They are literally quivering as I one at time lift the soda and tea onto the counter. I deliberately do not make eye contact with the folks in line behind me. The nice checker bags my purchases I lift them from the counter back into the buggy and he has to remind me to use the key card panel credit card thingie to complete the transaction.
The physical effort is literally having a mental effect.
and folks, trust me, it is NOT LOST ON ME THAT this is a normal routine thing that most folks do without even thinking about it. I am ebarrased to admit that for me right now, a simple shopping trip is a major undertaking.
Are you, dearest readers, getting the picture? Filling in the colors between the lines? Connecting the dots?
A year and a half a go, I’d be feeling this tired after rehearsing in the dance studio for 3-4 hours. Now I feel this tired after waling 1/2 mile and shopping for 3 jugs of tea, 2 bottled cokes and a box of theatere candeeeeee… Hmmm why do I feel as if merry men should be dancing around me?
Now with my two bags of drinks (and the nasty evil candy) I waddle. Yes, waddle to my truck Allllllllllllllllllllllll the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy a the EDGE of the friggin’ parking lot! Who’s brilliant idea was THAT?
Oh… mine. right. Sorry bout that.
7. Drove 1/2 block from Walgreens to the UPS store
Yes. Drove. I normally just walk to check my mail from Walgreeens but NOT TODAY. Not an option.
I get in my truck, put the key in the ignition, fasten my seat belt and take a deep breath and give my heart and lungs some time to catch up and return to some semblance of normality. I think… ok “next on the list” — check mail.
8. Parked, got out, got my mail, got back in the truck.
Normally when I pull my mail out of my UPS box, I go through it standing at the counter before returning to my truck. NOT TODAY! I’m too tired.
Yes, you heard me right. I’m too tired. My legs are aching and my back is hurting and I am giving serious thought to NOT even going to Braums even though I really do need some food stuff…. I’m out of almost everything since it is just past the end of the month and I get my pension check once a month ( a very small pension check) and I’m OUT of EVERYTHING at the house…. Hmmmm..
So I sit there in my truck and rest for a few moments and open the letters and skim them, again, giving my legs and back time to “recoup”
I think to myself:
“I’m already out… I’m already a third of the distance to Braums… If I go home now I’ll have to go out later again and that means an extra trip up and down those frigging stairs at the apartment complex. The thing that tips the scales though is that I’m out of milk and since I’m doing this “meal replacement” thing right now, well I really REALLY REALLY need that milk.
So I ignore the shouts and complaints from the peanut gallery (otherwise known as my back and knees and feet and legs) and I get the truck in motion…
9. I Drove to Braums, parked
I gathered up my oh-s0-cool “cool bags” that keep cool things, well, uhhhhmmm, cool on the way home from the store. And I head into Braums. As I do, I realize that I’m making small grunting sounds as I take each step and that I’m limping, favoring my right leg. I also realize that the waddle has become a full on sway from side to side. And the refrain from that rap song “Baby got back” pops into my head for some reason….
10. Went in, got some grocery items (4 bags worth when I was through)
At this point, I’m thinking “I’ll only get milk and bread and come back when I am fresher and not so tired.”
Then I get in the store and well, I end up with enough food to fill four bags. 90 % of it “good” and “healthy” — We won’t discuss the 1 container of ice cream I got. We just won’t do it. It jumped into my cart. I was just too tired to fight it off…
And.. the “four bags” were not FULL bags… Things like Milk and juice are HEAVY and I live on the SECOND FLOOR. Have I mentioned the stairs? Oh.. I have.
Well I know that I’m going to CARRY those bags up the stairs so I don’t let the checker fill the bags too full. So into 1 bag went a gallon of milk and a 1/2 gallow of orange juice and that’s it.. so when I say “four bags” don’t think shopping for a family of sixteen or something… four MOSTLY EMPTY bags!
I get to the check out this counter and this sweet young thing is working at her FIRST FRIGGIN JOB and wearing that “be nice to me I’m a new employee” button that managers love to make the “Very Important New Employees” wear so that customers like me will have pity on them and be nice.
At least I *thnk* she was wearing it. I could have been hallucinating at this point.
So… I take a deep breath and do NOT go off on her when when she puts my bread into the bottom of the sack then reaches for the 20lb bottle of (ok,the bottle was not 20lbs but it WOULD have SMUSH-ed the bread like an armadillo on a Texas highway …. )
I even SMILED when I realized that she wasn’t turning on the conveyor belt for who knows what reason… S
he probably hadn’t been trained on that yet… I just smile and help…
and say to myself “I’m burning calories” as I move all the stuff from the end of the belt to the front of the belt, one item at a time. *sigh* Who knows, they DID just remodel the place.. maybe the belt is broken or not hooked up or something. So… I smiled. I promise I was NICE – Super nice even!
I’m sure she’s a nice person and we all have “first job” stories so….Unless she reads my blog she’ll never now just how close her “beads came to being read” for no good reason, simply because my lower back was screaming at me the whole time!!! But I digress…
11. Rolled the bags out in the buggy, put them in the truck, returned the buggy to inside the store.
Man, by now, I’m really hurting. Really hurting. As in pain. Real honest to god make it stop pain.
I drive a standard truck. So driving is not just a “sit there” kind of thing… it requires “work” I’m moving my legs and my arms and generally burning more calories, especially since shifting in urban areas (like where I live) is a frequent activity.
12. Carried six bags from truck to bottom of stairs
So, I’m home. Fortunately there is a spot available RIGHT at the entrance to the breezeway / courtyard where my apartment is located. And I’m looking around the parking lot to see if my room mate’s truck is there. If it is then I can call him on the cell phone to come help me carry the bags into the apartment.
He is not at home.. the scumbag.
So… two bags at a time, I carry food from my truck to the bottom of the stairs. The ones with the landing halfway up, not the direct ascent into heaven stairs that are the other optioni.
THREE round trips to and from the stairs and my truck.
Folks when you already 329 lbs and your knees and back is already screaming at you, adding 30lbs of bags to the mix is NOT FUN
— And this is just getting them to the damned stairs!
13. Carried two bags at a time up the stairs to my apartment and unloading the cold stuff into the fridge
Picture me carefully lifting two bags, one on each side. Picture me taking one or two steps at a time and pausing.
Picture me carefully breathing in and out like I’m lifting weights at the gym.
Picture my face turning red, my heart racing so loudly I think that someone is going to call 911 and report a loud noise outside.
Picture me literally panting with effort.
And that is the first two bags.
By the time I got to bags #5 & #6 I literally was grimacing in pain. Literal, no drama, no exaggeration, pain.
14. Collapsed into my chair in front of my desk.
panting, gasping, heart racing, and friggin exhausted.
As I’ve been typing this my heart rate has returned to normal, as has my breathing. My face still feels flushed though.
The muscles in my back, both upper and lower, my hips, my legs from hips to toes, all of them feel sore, as do the triceps and for some weird reason my forearms. ALL OF THEM are going to be sore tomorrow.
By every definition of “exercise” I just did a major workout involving the cardio-vascular system and all of the major muscle groups.
And I did it by doing walking to the neighborhood park then doing a little bit of grocery shopping and checking the mail.
On the one hand, that totallly SUCKS but, being a glass half full kind of guy…
I just worked out!!!!!!!! Woot! I moved!!!! I did it!!!
Uh-huh! Who da man? YEppers! I’z da man!
Yes, I’m actually doing a happy dance in celebration of “doing a little shopping” but when someone is as out-of-shape and UN-healthy as I am at this very moment, you take what you can get and you celebrate the event for what it is…
… a step in the right direction.
Let the applause commence!