. . . I’m going to have fun!

NEWSFLASH!

I do not like to exercise.

Actually that probably puts me in the middle of the majority of the world’s population.

HOWEVER…

there are things that I like to do, that I actually ENJOY, that COULD be called exercising.

Huh?  I hear the teeming masses cry out in confusion?

Ah, dear readers, intrepid blog followers and the two second cuzins on my mom’s side who were forced to subscribe to my blog, well, let me elaborate.

You knowI like elaborating…  giggle

Exercise – Defined – by the “book” as it were…

1.  : regular or repeated use of a faculty or bodily organ

 — merriam-webster.com

Special note…  For all the guys reading this…  YES, my mind immediately thought of THAT too!  But somehow, I don’t think the repeated and frequent use of THAT particular organ counts… something about not lasting long enough…  But hey if it works for ya… who am I to stand in the way…

So… seeking something more than a mere definition, I “googled” and found … these three articles out on the Interwebz:

• Every minute of physical activity really does count, new study shows  (today.com/health)
• Do We Get Enough Exercise From Our Daily Activity? (24hourfitness.com)
• What Is Physical Activity? (nih.gov)

Which seems to indicate that ANY movement is better than NO movement! Indeed, way back in the day we actually didn’t need a special category of movement called “Exercise” because ALL movement was exercise.

You could, if you have oodles of time, read those BORING, articles but why bother when I can ‘splain thangs way better:

Tony’s Definition of Exercise

It is “EXERCISE” . . .

… when I’m breathing heavy at the end
… when I’m breathing heavy during the movement,
… when my heart is pounding
… when I’m sweating like a stuck pig
… AND most of all when I am devoutly wishing I were not doing whatever torturous physical activity which is making me feel miserable!

THAT would be the MODERN version of “exercise”  Why?  I hear the teeming masses ask?  Why do we do this to ourselves?

Tony’s History of Exercise

Face it, the human body is designed to do work… to move… to run from the sabre tooth tiger and the other large dangerous critters with sharp teeth that want to eat us.  That was back then.  Today this horrible beast is otherwise known as “the boss”

HOWEVER…  back in the day (before a McDonalds and a Jack-in-the-box where on every street corner, we had to well HUNT and GATHER food.

We ended up spending just about as much energy getting the food, sometimes spending MORE energy to get it,  than we actually GOT out of the food when we finished the hunt and ATE the silly nuts and grasses,  insects (YUCK) and other small critters.

Fast forward to NOW-a-days!

It’s lunchtime — the HUNT begins.

You spot your prey under the Golden Arches, you quickly accelerate making an illegal left hand turn and zipped do dah!

You, moments later, pull up to the drive through window and get a heart-attack-in-a-brown-paper-bag.  Super-sized of course, with the obscene mix of chemicals not known in nature disguising itself as a “milk shake”

Aha Man Reigns Supreme!  The HUNT IS COMPLETE!  Now he can eat!  Let’s do the math:

— 25 Calories “burnt” during the HUNT  for food

— 4,500 Calories “gathered and consumed once the HUNT succeeded.

And that is including burning 5 extra calories in stress induced burn-age for having to deal with the teen age twitt who has no clue on how to count back change when they don’t type in the amount tendered correctly into the cash register!  But I digress…

NO WONDER AMERICANS ARE SO OUT OF SHAPE!!!!!!!!!

The hunt has gotten too easy!   Easy?  Hell..  It is OUT OF CONTROL!!!!

Here is an experiment.  Promise me you’ll actually try it…  You will be SHOCKED at the results.

Tomorrow morning… start counting when you leave the door of your abode.  See how many minutes elapse before you either see your first Fast Food joint or “convenience store” or an advertisement (radio included) for “bad for you food” of some kind?

Trust me… It won’t take long

So… what is a modern American to do to offset this “horn of plenty”?

Well, you can either lower the amount of calories GOING INTO your body or you can increase the amount of calories going out.

Today, we’re talking about “calories GOING OUT”  — Exercise in other words.  The evil e-word, the “task that shall not be named”

So if you want to burn calories you gotta be “Moving da body”  Shaking the booty.

You could in ancient hunter-gather-steal-from-the-neighboring-tribe-fashion…

…expend massive quantities of energy wrestling your co-worker from the next cubicle for the last donut by the coffeepot in the break-room:

“Aha!” you scream “Take that!” you yell, as you whap him over the head with your stapler, in an external Cro-Magnon modern-day-manifestation of your inner-caveman!

Bringing us back to the REAL world for just a moment —  as in “I-am-not-making-this-next-bit-of-stuff-up”  When I was looking for an image to stick next to this section, I Googled “donut fight” I was amazed, awed, and slightly disgusted by what I found:

OMG!  Try it for you self… when you Google “donut fight” you get LOTS OF HITS! OMG! Including this painting of a Donut Fight in a friggin breakroom!

And I thought my mind was weird!  At least I just thunk it… Someone else actually painted it! — It is a wacky world out there!  And you folks think I’m strange!

Uhmmm where was i?

I do tend to go off on tangents don’t I?  Well all the better to amuse you with…   LOL

SQUIRREL!

I tell you my mind is a very strange place.

I really don’t intend to go on these little vignettes of side-tracked-mental imagery…  I don’t.  They just kinda happen.  ALL the time.

It is the way my brain is wired.  The tough part is to NOT share with you fine folks all the stuff running through my brain at any given moment…   Be afraid… Be very afraid.

Oh.. now about that EXERCISE.

Exercise the way we WANT to think of it:

This would be the “fabulously photogenic runner of Internet Fame”

Exercise the way MOST OF US ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE IT…

Face it — “Exercise” is NOT fun…

At lest most “exercise” is not fun for “most of us”  Not unless you are part of the 1%.

For 99% of us, well exercise is NOT an activity to be enjoyed, it is to be endured.  No wonder we “Do McDonalds” instead of “Doing a Mile”

So… The TRICK is to NOT EXERCISE!!!!    That’s right…  I am NOT GOING TO EXERCISE!

Why Should I torture myself?  Hmmm?

Why would anyone make themselves hurt like that?

Nope…  I, dear friends, readers, blog followers, (and the folks from the future who will be attending my seminars when I become rich and famous and go on the talk-show circuit)

I am NOT GOING TO EXERCISE —

Instead, I am going to do stuff that is fun, that technically speaking if you really want to be a joy killer, could be classified as “BEING EXERCISE” because I’ll be burning calories and improving my health when I do it.

The TRICK…  The SECRET…  The rabbit out of a hat amazing Bamboozle the masses THING-TO-DO is to find stuff that you like doing which ARE un-naturally-exercise-like and chock full of exercise kind of benefits but which your brain does NOT recognize as “exercise” but instead thinks of as “fun.”

TAH-DAH!

I’m gonna be rich!

Well assuming this actually works, and thousands of people start following my blog, and I become an Internet sensation and Oprah or one of the dozen talk show folks discover the blog and they convince the booking people to have me on the show and a New York Book Publisher is up early watching and sees me and falls in love and he calls me up and offers me a million dollar book deal which includes a promotional circuit and series of related seminars.

But hey, it could happen.

My NOT-exercise list of FUN stuff to do:

• Dancing
• Walking in the park
• Going to an art museum
• Going to a history museum
• Sightseeing
• Riding my bicycle, especially if it is by a lake (like White Rock Lake)

My NOT-exercise list of crappy stuff to do

that I don’t LIKE doing but if I can double up and get some health benefits out of it because it technically qualifies as the “Evil e-word” the “Movement that shall not be named…

• Laundry
• Dishes
• and other assorted Domestic Diva Duties

And with that build up, I give to you dear readers, photos from my first Official

EXERCISE session that was NOT EXERCISE!

On Saturday, I didn’t exercise.  I went for a walk in the park.

Which is on the FUN list —  And I’m going to share it with you now.

(If you hover your mouse you’ll see the beginning of the caption for that image. — some of the captions are long… to see those or to see the images at full size with a  previous / next option to page throug the “story” just click on any of the potos)

1. THE FIRST SMALL STEP — Both literally and figuratively — The first of many stairs between me and the park

2. The “bridge” across the courtyard

3. Again more stairs – wooden, of varying widths and heights

4. On the second floor balcony heading toward the parking lot…

5. Oh LOOK.. more STAIRS.. first we must go up…

6. Because now we are going down.. THIS IS THE DESCENT INTO HELL..

7. In the parking lot… headed toward the gate

8. Made it through the gate and headed to the street

9. Aha! I’ve made it to the street and I’m headed toward the park. The bridge is the the old railway bridge that is now been converted to be part of Katy Trail

10. Hmmmm… maybe this “exercise in the park” thing might have some good points.

11. Yummmy! I can see why this “exercise” thing is so appealing. 🙂

12. Other folks enjoying the park — they might be “exercising” but they are probably NOT-exercising, and simply enjoying a beautiful day… like “Moi”

13. This is going GREAT! I’m feeling pretty good, way better than I thought I’d be feeling. Looking back toward the staircase up to the Katy Trail

14. Looking across the street at the fountain in the middle of Turtle Creek

15. I’ve crossed the road into the park and I’m at my furthest point. Sitting on a bench resting before walking back. I’m sitting on a park bentch. And I do NEED to rest a bit. I just walked roughly 1/4 mile and the longest distance I’ve walked in months has been from my bedroom to the kitchen and/or a lap around Walgreens with a shopping basket.. So my body is letting me know that it is not happy with me.

16. On the way back — Ducks. Squeeee!

17. Pretty flowers! See – NOT exercising, just enjoying the park and the day.

18. The reason the creek and the park are called “Turtle Creek”

19. More namesakes sunning themselves on the damn that turns the creek into a lake so all the RICH folks upstream from this point can have FABULOUS views from their verandas.

20. The creek flowing under the street my apartment is on with the grafitti overpanting as a special bonus!

21. I’m walking up the street back to my apartment; this is another shot of the STAIRS heading up to the Katy Trail which is up about the height of a three story building. The trail is HIGHER than me when I’m standing on the second floor balcony that was in one of the earlier shots.

22. The entrance to Uptown. I think they started calling it that so they could charge more for the property on the othe side of the trail

23. Yes.. the trail reall is on top of a friggin mountain top.

24 Starting to CLIMB — Getting close to my driveway… I’m REALLY starting to feel the result of my exertion and my walk in the park is starting to not be so much fun as it was at the beginning.

25. MORE CLIMBING — A little closer. Who knew I was walking DOWN a hill when I was going TO the park? Where the hell am I? Seattle? Hmmm???

26 Yes, you guessed it Look! MORE FRIGGIN UPHILL INCLINE! I swear demon monkeys elevated the place while I was at the park

27. To give you an idea… here is the OTHER SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN TOP. The stuff that was at the top of that big stairs and level with the bridge! I’ve just climed half that distance coming up my driveway!

28. Oh look! The parking lot isn’t level and I’m at the bottom of it. Who knew! No wonder it was so easy walking TO THE PARK! BECAUSE IT WAS FRIGGING DOWNHILL!!!!!!

30. Me looking toward option #2… Yeppers, we’re taking the low road

31. One of the coolest things about where I live is this courtyard. Everytime I walk through it I feel like I’m in New Orleans

32. Mount Turtle Creek Terrace — the bunny slope. By now folks I’m grunting and waddling and limping and my knees are hurting and my feet are aching and my lower back is about to disown me.

33. Oh goodie… un even stairs of varying heights!

34. Ok, we can do this… breathe steadily in and out. Don’t hold your breath, because you might blow a blood vessel. SERIOUSLY FOLKS! My heart is racing and I am panting like the winner of the Kentucky Derby at this point. THIS IS FRIGGIN EXERCISE — but I’m NOT going to think of it that way. I just returned from a wonderful trip to the park!!!!!!!

35. Just a few steps at a time

36. PAUSE and rest

37. I’m halfway up on the landing

38. Pause again. Almost to the top.

39. I’ve made it to the TOP! Yay! And look! MORE FRIGGIN STAIRS… Sure they look little and un assuming but let me tell you evil comes in small packages!

40. Ah… home… Tah Dah! I did it… ONE HALF MILE walk through the park! Woot!

So there ya have it…

I don’t expect to do this for EVERY trip to the park ( remember we are not using the “E” word ).  But this was my first official move my body moment on my road to dancing again.  So I thought I’d treat it special.  And it would give me a chance to share with you my walk through the park and perhaps give you a better sense of where I’m starting from.

You have to know where you are if you are going to get where you’re going.

Bonus Video…

This is a video I took with my iTouch, which is how I did all these photos too.  I had it with me because I use the RunKeeper App. Which didn’t record anything because I pressed the wrong button, but hey, live and learn.

Enjoy the video.

See ya on the dance floor! 

– eventually –  one day – when I can move again without it being a “big deal”