Brace yerself…!  What I want… …and why is it a “Scary Day”…

Brace yerself…

…because I’m about to free associate and just let the thoughts poor out onto the page.  That means, friends, neighbors, fellow dancers, that you are about to get a peek into Tony’s brain.   Eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!!!  Or you may laugh so hard that there will be tears leaking outta yer eyes…

But either way, this post is going to be somewhat disjointed.  And weird.  And well.. just keep reading.  🙂

And pay no attention to the typos… ..or the grammar or lack thereof… …they just add character.  😉

What I want…

…is for lots of you to send me emails, comments, likes that all add up to “You can do this Tony!  I believe in you!”

Yes, that is a blatant appeal for support, mostly emotional, seriously that kind of stuff means a LOT…

…but if you feel so inclined, buy something from my store or hit that donate button over to the right.  No one ever has donated, but I keep hoping.  *sigh*

Seriously, this month is the toughest financially that I’ve had in a long time.  Lots of out of the blue expenses have made it hard to make ends meet.

Why is it a “Scary Day”?

Well this is where that free association thing is gonna start.  Because I know I can be wordy…

*GASP* OK, ok, the thunderous shock of in-drawn breath from you, my faithful readers, was NOT necessary!  😉

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes….

…it is a scary day because today is Saturday and that means…

…that in a little less than 48 hours, I will be heading to the dance studio to rehearse for the…

…FIRST TIME in so long that I can’t remember when the last time was.

At least a year, more like 18 months I think… can’t be sure.  When I get to the gym, I’ll ask them if they can check my membership profile and tell me.  I use the aerobics room at 24 Hour Fitness as my “dance floor” because the practice fees in a dance studio range from $10 – $20 an hour depending on the studio.  My 24 Hour Fitness gym membership costs me $27.59 a month, taxes included which is MUCH cheaper than going to a dance studio.

Although a dance studio is more “fun” because I’m around other dancers.  But hey when you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money.

“Where I want to be” vs “Where I am now”

Where I want to be…

…is skinny, fit, healthy, and standing on top of the podium in Janurary 2017 at the World Championships of Country Western Dance receiving my SECOND of two World Championship titles which will “graduate” me into the Crown Division!

Where I am now…

…is fat, out of shape, not healthy, almost broke, with almost no food in the pantry, two bills coming due on the 24th and with a heck of a lot of hurdles between me now and me then in 2017!

Why I’m kinda freaking out and why Monday is so scary…

The reason it is scary is because this is the HUGE step forward.

Suddenly this crap is REAL! It isn’t a “plan” any more.  It isn’t “some day” any more.  It isn’t a pipe dream any more.  It is NOW.  As in so friggin close I can touch it!

As an aside, yes, I realize this whole post from start to finish is nothing but a series of “asides” —

BUT… when I saw this graphic out on the Wild and Wooly Web, I laughed so hard there were tears coming out of my eyes.

I have just found my new inspiration poster!  I’m going to print it off and hang it in my room and in my bathroom and if / when money because not so much of a problem I’m going to get a t-shirt made of it to wear when I’m working out and rehearsing.

Getting from “here” to “there”

The end of the road is easy to envision.

To see where I am now is WAY easy too, here at the start of the road.

I just have to look around at the rats nest I call “my room” or to go to the grocery store and barely make it back up the stairs with a load of groceries or to look at my budget and see that I have two bills due on the 24th each for $25 and that the groceries are almost gone from the pantry and to look at my checking account currently sitting at $2.95 and it all becomes OVER-FRIGGIN-WHELMING!

I just realize that for about the umpteenth time I’ve mentioned money in this post.  Obviously it is bothering me.  I’m going to leave it in though because I did warn you at the start that this is a dis-jointed “free association” kind of post.  Woo  Hoo!  Moving on!

It is weird.  I’m stressed – freaking out – but I have this weird energy vibe thing going on too…  Its weird.  I’m weird.  Weird is good though. Weird is almost required if you are a creative individual — which whatever else I may be I am without a doubt a creative individual.

Hmmmm.. where was I?

Sometimes it becomes too much and you curl into a ball and do nothing.

How far I have to go and the Loooooooooooonnnnnnngggggggg list of steps between “where I am now” and “where I want to be …. ”

AAaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!  EEeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!!  Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

… makes me want to just go back to bed, to close the  blinds, then to pull the curtains closed, turn to off the lights and hide.  Makes me want to scream actually.

I want to hide and to sleep so that I don’t have to even THINK about it, but then I remember that that doesn’t work either because I have stress dreams which….

Well, I think you get the picture.  Picture?  Painting?  Am I over brushing this metaphor?

First steps are very very very VERY scary.  Make you tremble and go wee wee in your dance shoes kind of scary.

I kid you not.

Every time I start to think about Monday and going to the rehearsal / practice — my heart starts to race.  My mind jumps to some other topic, any other topic.

We all have ups and downs and restarts in our lives.  It is part of what makes us “human” — very few people start out and head in a straight line toward success and happiness and contentment.   Nope, normal humans struggle.

We struggle, we mess up, we fail, we succeed, we laugh then we cry and we rail against the struggle.

I’ve been in this spot before.

In fact about a week and a half ago, I was metaphorically “looking about” and feeling overwhelmed.

I felt like doing NOTHING.  But I did “one thing.”

I forget what that “one thing” was… but it was “one tiny thing.”

So tiny and mundane that I literally do not know what it was.  I can’t remember.

But I do remember that by the end of the week, that one teeeny tiny itty bitty polka dot bikini….  oh, oops..

Yes, my brain really does work that way.

Actually if I could literally have a mind to computer interface you guys would be AMAZED at all the weird images and thoughts and words that pop into my head while my fingers are typing out these words.

Uhmmmm…. where was I?

Oh, yes, a week ago, I was overwhelmed.  It actually happens a lot.  From what I’ve read, feeling overwhelmed by things is a pretty normal human reaction kind of thing. Everybody feels that way.

Knowing that doesn’t help though when you look around and go “Oh crap! There is so much to do, where do I start?”

And every time the solution is to…

Do something, ANYTHING, even a teeny tiny thing…

And the answer is do one tiny thing.

Just one.

Because before you know it, that tiny thing leads to another tiny thing and then TAH-DAH you have an awesome week!

Like the one I wrote about in my post just before this one: This has been a good week… Doin’ a Happy Dance!

Check it out.  Good read if I do say so myself, and I do!

So, there I was abut a week and a half ago and that teeny tiny thing that I can’t remember lead to an awesome week.

So, send me “atta boys”

Send me words of encouragement, for my own courage is being tested.

And if you feel so moved.  I could really use five bucks.

Actually I could use more than five bucks.  But if ten of you could send me five bucks, well…  But five bucks will help.  Hell, right now even a single dollar would help.  Yes, I’m kinda stressed at the moment.

But I’ll get through this.  Somehow.  I always have.  But… The donate button is over to the right, if ya wanna help…

See ya on the dance floor!